Have A Horror-ble Valentine's Day
Fancy A Hor-Romantic Valentines?
If you want to avoid valentine clichés at all costs, or if you’re after something different from the run-of-the-mill romcoms and are fed up of seeing Cameron Diaz crying on your screen on the same night every February, here is a list of ‘alternative’ film choices to get you clinging on tightly to your loved one. If there’s anything these tell us, it’s that love can hurt.
Natural Born Killers (1994)
Mickey and Malory Knox: one of the most celebrated, yet controversial, couples in the history of cinema. The wild and wacky lovers become partners in crime as they journey a psychopathic serial killing spree across Route 66… just for kicks. If it’s action, adrenalin and outright rowdiness that you want to spice up your valentines, NBK has got it covered. And if anyone asks, Mickey and Malory Knox did it, okay?
GET IT HERE: £4.50 Amazon, LOVEFiLM, Netflix.
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
The clue is in the name. Return to the roots of the slasher genre and celebrate one of the first horror movies to rip the heart out of this hallmark holiday. A folk tale is reborn as the locals of small mining town Valentine Bluffs that celebrate Valentine’s Day are murdered in their numbers by a deranged, masked killer. It’s one thing to dislike the soppy sentiments but another to draw pick axes into people that do. If your date doesn’t want to feel out-dated, try the 2009 remake which brings the gory effects to 3D. “In this town on Valentines day, everybody loses their heart.”
GET IT HERE: £16.61 Amazon, Netflix
In four words, a rom-com gone wrong. If you’re in for a light-hearted evening but sick of all the formulaic boy-meets-girl scenarios, Sightseers can deliver. Can you remember the first holiday you and your partner went on? Was it a weekend away somewhere quite close to home? Did it involve accidentally kill someone at one of the tourist attractions? Chris and Tina’s romantic holiday in the Highlands takes a turn for the criminally insane as murderous mischief replaces countryside cliff walks. Perhaps this ninety minutes of raunchy fun is more of a black comedy, but it’s a dark and devilish one all the same. Just don’t follow their example- it may be the last holiday you go on.
GET IT HERE: LOVEFiLM, Netflix
You may not have seen it, but you’ll know the doll-mask that hides the face of the Valentine murderer. Four female friends all receive a vulgar Valentines card before they are hunted down and killed one by one by a boy they used to pick on in school. It doesn’t boast an awful lot more than a conventional slasher formula, but the end twist is worth the wait, and hey… it takes place on, what some would say, valentines ‘slay’.
GET IT HERE: £3 Amazon, Netflix
The Loved Ones (2010)
Boys, remember one thing: never say no to a girl. Because if you do, you may wake up strapped to a chair in her home, playing out her twisted prom fantasies. What Lola wants, Lola gets - and, with his foot bolted to the floor by a nail, there’s nothing Brent can do about it. This perversely playful, demented game is all about blood-stained party hats and teasing torture, making it one of the best date movies of the decade.
GET IT HERE: £4.99 Sainsburys, LOVEFiLM, Netflix
Warm Bodies (2013)
Ditch the DVD’s and hit the big screen for this year’s Valentine venture. Zomboy Nicholas Holt and teenage Teresa Palmer form a relationship after he rescues her from a mass zombie attack. It’s not often that a film falls in the comedy/horror/romance genre, and it’s even rarer to find one that’s executed well. If it’s as touching Steve Levine’s last film 50/50, this could well be the most sweet and sympathetic zombie film of all time.
GET IT HERE: Most UK cinemas
Lovers Lane (1999)
Be careful where you and your partner make out this year- it could become a crime scene if ‘hook’ spots you. A murderer who hooked couples as they kissed in the local lovers lane, bears attacks on the victims’ children 13 years later. A similar plot to its predecessors but rejoices in all the marmite clichés of the genre, and its multiple use of off-screen deaths is perfect for the pillow-in-front-of-eyes faint-hearted.
GET IT HERE: Shop around on e-bay!
The Prowler (or Rosemary’s Killer) 1981
A true poet will often leave a red rose in the clutches of a woman’s hand after he drives a pitchfork into her and her lover. It’s 30 years after Rosemary was killed and the prowler returns for a second spree. If he wants you he’ll get you. With ground-breaking special effects by Tom Savini, including the famous knife-through-the-head killing sequence, this is a must-see for any time of year.
GET IT HERE: £7 Amazon, try Blockbuster.
If it’s sophistication and true passion that defines your evening, this is a classic that indulges all meanings of infatuation, seduction, lust and lure. We are all familiar with Bram Stoker’s tale, and not many films have been able to visually compete with the powerful juxtaposition of the romance and horror embodied in Gary Oldman’s count Dracula.
GET IT HERE: £4.75 Amazon, Netflix, LOVEFiLM
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
I bet you never thought of this one. If you’re a one of those annoying couples that compete to recite the most quotes during a movie, this is the one for you. It may not be an obvious choice for that special day of the year, but you’ll be rooting for the Pegg/Frost bromance, and they will leave you rolling on the floor (…laughing!) If you’ve simply mastered its brilliance one too many times, try the recent release of horror com, Cockneys vs Zombies.
GET IT HERE: £3 ASDA, Netflix, LOVEFiLM
Film Enthusiast. Aspiring Journalist. Love Fancy Dress. Love Basketball. Love travelling. I still cry at the death of Michael Jackson.
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