Chaos Hour

Why Some People Hate BIOWARE RPG's

Now, For The Love Of God, Could You Please Show Me The Items You Have For Sale.

Why Some People Hate BioWare RPGs:

Hello. My name is Thurggle The Tiny Horned. I’m a dwarf. I sell trinkets from this ‘ere stall what I got. Would you like to see what I’ve got for sale, or would you rather ask me some pointless questions?

***I have to save the world so my time is quite precious. What do you have for sale?***

I see you’re in a rush to get down to business. It reminds of a story from when I was living in Dwarfland, where all of us Dwarves come from. You see for some reason, despite the fact that you’ll run in to us wherever you may travel, all of us Dwarves are born in Dwarfland. Although I can’t honestly tell you why this is. Lazy character design maybe? Anyway, where was I? Oh yes you’re in a hurry. Reminds me of a guy I used to know. His name was Frogol. One day he planted turnips in his garden. The day after that he watered them with a big watering can. Then he went back inside and made himself a ham sandwich. With some lettuce. And probably some tomato. I’m sorry this was many years ago and my memory’s not what it once was. Not like it was in my youth. Back then I could remember all sorts of stuff. “Thurggle the kid who remembers things” is what they called me. Not now. Now they call me “Thurggle the forgetful”. That’s disrespectful right?

***Sorry I’m in a hurry and I really need to see if you are carrying better armour than the stuffI currently have, as I’m getting my ass handed to me by Trolls on a regular basis. However the only dialogue option I have here is “I thought you were called Thurggle The Tiny Horned?”, which I’d completely forgotten about until it came up on my screen. So I’m picking that option under duress. Please could you move this along a bit though?***

Ah hah. As you’re not a Dwarf I do not expect you to understand our ways. For we are an ancient and mysterious people, stepped in enigma and what you outsiders would call “history”. We don’t call it that. We call it “Time Passing” in an arbitrary attempt to make us seem somehow foreign and exotic even though we both speak the exact same language. Which, if you think about, makes no sense. Much like that time I found a goldfish living in my sock drawer. That’s a funny story. Would you like to hear it?

***No. Now, for the love of God, could you please show me the items you have for sale?***

I see you’re in a rush to get down to business. It reminds of a story from when I was living in Dwarfland, where all of us Dwarves come fr…

***We’ve already done this bit FFS***

Oh yes. You’re right. Sorry. I forgot. Now would you like to see what I’ve got for sale, or would you rather ask me some pointless questions?

***SALE. I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE FOR SALE***

Ah yes. A man after my own heart. Which, me being a Dwarf, counts for over 1/6 of my entire body weight. Bet you didn’t know that did you? Huh? Bet that little fact has shocked you to your non-Dwarvian core hasn’t it? I’m not surprised. Dwarf biology is a fascinating subject. Not like human biology with your two lungs and one stomach. I have no idea how you live like that. Hungry and gassy, that’s what you humans are.

***Right. This is getting stupid. ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET SOME NEW ARMOUR. But now the only dialogue option I’ve got is “And yet we’re so much bigger than you”. What does that even mean?***

Bigger doesn’t mean better, oh no sir. By the way have you noticed that I have a West country accent? That apparently is due to coming from Dwarfland. And not Somerset, as you might think by the way I extend my vowels. Speaking of which, if you’re interested in Dwarf biology - which you undoubtedly aren’t but I’m going to tell you this anyway –we Dwarfs have a very interesting way of conducting our mating rituals. Just before we’re about start “courting” as it were, we are biologically predisposed to doing a handstand while whistling the theme tune to “Diff’rent Strokes”. You know, that sitcom that had Gary Coleman in it. “Whachoo talking about Willis?” and all that. We Dwarves find that type of humour very funny. In fact back in Dwarfland Gary Coleman is considered a hero, along with Smerkel the Pig Tickler. Would you like to hear more about Smerkel?

***To hell with this***

I can see you’re reaching for the off button. That reminds me of the time Gilgor the Drunk once tried to climb the clock tower in Dwarfla…